Stuck between a rock and a hard place…
July 7, 2010
ashleyk21790
Caleb and I have been going out for going on 4 years now and I still feel as though we just met. Everything with us happened very quickly. And I don’t know how any of this happened…..or how I let this happen.
On September 4th 2006 I and Caleb met. That night we started dating; we barley even knew each other. We didn’t take the time to even be friends, go out on a couple dates, or figure out if we were even right for each other. Then two years later on September 5th 2008 we had our daughter Victoria. Victoria is the love of my life, the apple of my eye, my reason for living. But, she came way too quickly and unexpectedly. We were young inexperienced in life and definitely not ready for a baby. But, I was determined to take care of her. She didn’t ask to be born and it wasn’t her fault that I and her father made stupid decisions.
I loved my pregnancy! It couldn’t have gone any better or any smoother for a young mom. Could I have made smarter decisions?? Could I have come clean with the fact that I was pregnant at 17?? Yes, I could have but I didn’t. I hid my pregnancy until I was showing and I felt ashamed that I was repeating old habits; I was becoming my mother all over again. After, getting over the fact that I was going to have a baby and be a mom I embraced my pregnancy. Caleb, on the other hand, did not embrace any of it. He never tired to help me, he never came to any doctor’s appointments, he never asked how I or the baby were doing, nothing. And the day of my first ultrasound when we found out that she was a girl he was mad that she wasn’t a boy. When Tori finally arrived Caleb was there for the birth and that was it. He was in and out of her life for the first 6 to 8 months of it. It wasn’t as though I expected anything different.
So, now we are in present day and our 4 year anniversary is coming up and our daughters 2nd birthday is the day after that. And what the fuck do I have to show for it?! Not a damn thing that’s what! We have been off and no for the whole 4 year relationship. We have lived together 3 times with his parents thinking that he would have matured but for the 3rd time now I’m seeing that nothing has changed. And I can’t say that I’m surprised. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to him.
I think what the problem is….is that I’m just not the right girl for him. And to be honest I don’t think that he is the right guy for me. I want a guy who doesn’t need his mom for everything all the time. I understand that everyone needs a mom and that your mom is there for you whenever you need her. But, come on! Also, I need someone who isn’t so controlling. I can’t leave the house to see my grandmother in the hospital without him calling me every half hour. I can’t go and see my grandpa who only comes into town once a year from Florida without a phone call asking me when I’m coming home. Oh….and going out alone with friends, for get about it! And that’s just the start of it. The things that I need in a man is:
1.) Independance
2.) Understanding
3.) Not jealous
4.) Not controlling
5.) Trust
6.) Common Interest
I mean the list can go on and on and on. I don’t know maybe I’m just to picky. I feel that finding the right guy is like finding your dream home. When your looking for it you have this picture in your head of what you want but as you start looking at the houses you find that you are going to have to give in on somethings somewhere. If you want your perfect dream house your going to have to build it your damn self; just like a boyfriend. But the thing is that you can’t build them…which kinda sucks.
Caleb’s idea of a good girlfriend is bascially his mother. She works full time, cleans the house ( as best as she can without the help from her family), does the laundry, waits on everyone hand and foot, and does everyone’s dirty work. He wants his woman to make dinner, serve it to him, do all the shopping, all the cleaning, take care of him when he’s sick, listen to him and what he says goes, he just want to control every aspect of a womans life. And that’s not me. You want dinner?? If I’m not busy with something else I’ll make it…if not get off your lazy ass and cook. You have dirty laundry?? Then wash it! You want a pepsi?? Get up and get it! I am not your maid. You want me to do nice things for you when you are an ass to me?! Fuck you!! That’s not going to happen. Which is why we get into so many fights because I am not the kind of girl that he wants.
Soon I’m going to have to decide wether to leave him completely or just deal with it. The second option doesn’t look to good though. I am to independant and too goal oriented to let some guy tell me what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Eventually everything will fall into place and all will be good. Until then I will just have to keep my options open.
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1.
Ranette Kesteloot |
July 13, 2010 at 9:45 am
Remember your first and foremost priority is Victoria. Get ahead for her, school, job. Also keep your head up high. You are a great person, don’t let Caleb put you down, he is just jealous, something that is not good in a relationship. You can do a lot better but first you have to get yourself together. You can do it, one step at a time.